Saturday, February 24, 2007

Mini Vans

Apparently these are STILL an attractive mode of travel, especially in America's suburbs. And, I thought regular vans were bad prior to the introduction of these horrid sliding side door contraptions.

Today, as I was out and about, I unwittingly was forced to notice that every annoying "driver" was in a mini van.

I sauntered over to McDonald's, as if going around the drive thru was not bad enough (people who go to McDonald's do not know how to align their vehicles properly within the boundary lines of the drive in section) and what is in front of me? A baby blue mini van. I believe the driver of this wretched vehicle believed he was driving something else, something that others would envy.

Now, could the mini van keep up with the moving traffic in the drive thru lane? No. Could he order quickly? No. Why did he have to keep the hind end of his mini van hanging out between the order window and the pay window? Who the hells knows?

So I get to the pick up window and I look up and what do I see? The Rolls Royce of mini vans parked horizontally taking up FIVE, yes FIVE, parking spots. I saw the back of his head bob up and down, stuffing all that trans fatty food down his throat, and probably littering the pristine floor that is a part of all mini vans with the fall out from his mouth.

If he had his window open, I would have thrown my grilled chicken snacker at the back of his head, which would have hopefully ruined his fine dining moment. But, would it have been worth it? Nope. I particularly like the grilled chicken snacker and what a waste that would have been.

This is but one example of the elephant of the road. Usually there is some mini van sow at the wheel- you know who I mean- the manly woman who has a firm grip on the wheel with the double chin protrusion trying to maneuver her vehicle into any free space between two cars on any stretch of road, while sucking down a Big Gulp. I usually wonder how mini van front ends keep stable with something like that driving at the helm. I also wonder who the hell would marry something like that?

Mini van drivers can't park. They sashay into the spot, usually with the back wheels into the space next to them. WTF is that? I usually find this out AFTER I come out of the store. This is why other cars don't like mini vans. This is why I don't like mini vans, in addition to the grimy, icky sweaty children that hang out in the middle seats, who slide open the side door before a complete stop while in the parking lot, during the heat of summer, screaming, running, hitting other cars in its vicinity while trying to get out of that hot death trap.

And you still continue to drive one, don't you?

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